Uncertain 2/2

Writers: Cali, Eimi
Date Posted: 14th February 2006

Characters: B'vin, D'cal
Description: B'vin ponders Serenth's injury and condition and doesn't know if he wants her to heal.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 10, day 7 of Turn 3
Notes: Follows: An Unwanted Move, and An Unwanted Tablemate

"Hmm, you graduate soon don't you." B'vin asked somewhat distracted, his thoughts still on Serenth and just how _not_ fine she really was.

"Yes. Very soon." D'cal said.

"The scar tissue wasn't the only thing the dragonhealer talked to me about the other day. She didn't rise to mate like she should have, and he couldn't tell me if she would in the future." His voice was soft but full of emotion. He needed to talk to _someone_ about it, and he knew that D'cal would keep his secret. "A lot of greens hadn't risen lately," the weyrling nodded. "But if she is well enough to fight Thread, she will be well enough to rise. If they have not retired you straight off, that means there is still hope, for _both_ of you, to make full recoveries. Don't worry, B'vin,"
the bluerider said softly as he rubbed his friend's shoulder soothingly.
"Everything will be ok. It just takes time."

B'vin didn't say anything for a moment, he just sat there, focused on a smudge of dirt on his pants, unsure how to say what he was feeling. "Part of me doesn't want her to get better though." he said finally, "Part of me is glad that she didn't rise to mate and hopes that she won't ever again." D'cal looked at his friend in surprise. "Why's that?"

He couldn't look up to meet D'cal's gaze, he was too ashamed. "I don't like mating flights. I don't like what I have to do, how it makes me feel."

The weyrling was surprised. "You... you don't like how it feels?"

"No...Yes...I mean," B'vin was so conflicted, "I _do_ like how it feels. That's the problem, I'm not supposed to like it. I hate myself for liking it." D'cal was silent for a moment. He really didn't know what to say to his friend. To be honest, he felt similar. The bluerider had only one encounter with a man to date, and it did nothing but confuse him. But certainly he didn't _hate_ himself for it. "You know, they say its natural, B'vin. It's natural that you like men and that you enjoy spending time with them."

"I don't care if it's _supposed_ to be natural, D'cal." he hissed, feeling his chest tighten and his eyes start to sting. "I feel sick and ashamed when it's over, after I've..." He bit back what he was about to say and gulped, "A man is _supposed_ to be with a woman, only I don't feel anything when I'm around a woman, _nothing_!"

"Well, maybe we're _supposed_ to, B'vin, but sometimes we just don't!" D'cal realized that what he said was a bit harsh. "Look at how many blue and green riders there are who feel the exact same way. Could there really be that many if it wasn't... well, natural?"

B'vin shook his head, "I don't know." he sighed, putting his head in his hands. "At least you have a choice, I just wish it didn't feel so wrong." "I may have a choice, B'vin, but I still have the _feelings_ sometimes." D'cal had come to accept the fact that he had those feelings long before. Living in a Hold, he had no choice _but_ to accept them. But here, he knew he could act on them any time he felt like it. He still hadn't really taken advantage of that fact really. The fact that he had a choice had been his great comfort. But what about B'vin? He didn't have that choice to make.

"I guess." he shrugged, pulling himself upright and looking over the lake. He had forced the tears that had threatened to erupt away, steeling himself off from those emotions again. "Come on, B'vin," D'cal said with a friendly, teasing nudge. "Do you really think Serenth would have chosen someone who was unnatural or defected somehow? She thinks you're perfect the way you are. If you weren't, she wouldn't have picked you, now, would she."

He wasn't to sure about that, but he didn't argue. He was tired, and he didn't want to think about what was right or wrong in his life anymore. B'vin stood up and tried out his leg which was feeling better, "I'd better get back to my weyr D'cal, it's getting pretty late." "I'll walk you," his friend offered.

B'vin nodded and started back towards his weyr, "Alright, but no more talking, okay?"

D'cal smiled and nodded as he helped his friend by giving him an arm to lean on.

That was one of the things B'vin liked most about D'cal, he didn't push him. He was good enough just the way he was for D'cal and B'vin counted himself lucky to have a friend like that.

Last updated on the February 14th 2006

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Uncertain 2/2