What Could He Say Now?

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 18th February 2006

Characters: Desirae, Renner
Description: Des sees Renner for the first time since his suicide attempt
Location: Dolphin Hall
Date: month 10, day 6 of Turn 3

Renner wanted to be swallowed in his absolute shame as he watched Des walked into his infirmary room. He knew that the young woman had been the one to find him. The one who saved his life. He just didn't know what he could possibly _say_ to her now...

A faint smile tugged at her lips as she came closer. He looked better. An involuntary shudder ran down her spine and the smile faded as she thought back to that terrifying night, when she'd thought he was dying in her arms. Determined not to show any discomfort, she gently perched on the edge of the chair beside him. "Hello, Renner." Her voice was soft.

"Hello, Des." His voice was soft too. Shards, how could this _not_ be uncomfortable. "I'm... so sorry..."

She looked away. "You're looking better."

"Truly, Des, I'm very sorry for what I did. And for getting you involved." Shards but the words sounded meaningless as he looked at her, so obviously _still_ upset. "You saved my life and there is nothing I can say..."

Her eyes flickered to his face. She couldn't tell him it was all right, because it wasn't. "It wasn't just me," she told him quietly. "If the others hadn't been there to help me, Renner -" Her voice caught and she quickly looked down.

Looking at her face, part of him wished she would have just let him die so he didn't have to actually see the consequences of his actions. "There is no way for me to take it back," he finally said.

Desirae turned her face back to him, her eyes haunted. "Why did you do it? _Why_?"

"I... I'm not really sure, Des. It happened so fast," he sighed. She of all people deserved to know. "I have nightmares sometimes... All the time... And sometimes even when I wake up, its like the nightmare is still there, in my mind. That night, the nightmares, they just wouldn't stop... I guess I just wanted them to stop."

Again she shuddered. So much blood...running red down his arms...her fingers slick as she tried to stop the flow... "You wanted to die."

"For a moment, I suppose I did. I guess I thought that was the only way the nightmares would stop. I don't know," he said as his eyes dropped to the bandages on his arms, "maybe it _is_ the only way they will stop.
But I would rather live with them than not live at all. I realized that, almost too late."

Her eyes closed, her hands gripped at the arms of the chair as she tried to fight back the sudden burning behind her lashes. Yes...it _had_
almost been too late... So much blood.

"I wish it hadn't been you, Des," Renner whispered. Tears began to fill his eyes as he looked at her, knowing the pain he had caused. "I wish... I wish you hadn't had to see me like that..."

A tear trailed down her cheek as she opened her eyes to look at him. She blinked and another one fell. "Better me than Zanie."

"What?" Renner asked, rather surprised. "Why would you say that?"

"You were screaming for her, pounding on her door." She remembered how the blood had stained the wood, dripping deep into the grain...

"But why better you than her? Why better her than someone else?" Renner's face lost all its emotion as he stared up at the cieling. "I should have just stayed in my room..."

Her expression grew hard. "What, and let yourself drown in your own blood?" She swiped the tears from her cheeks, shocked by the harshness of her words and the sudden anger welling in her.

"Shards, what have I done?" he whispered, his eyes closing. Renner just wanted to folding himself. He should have died that night. It would have been easier for everyone - Zanie, Des, himself... everyone...

An uncomfortable silent stretched between them. It was terrible, that silence. Almost deafening. Emotions warred within her - emotions that she didn't want to deal with. "I think...you need to figure out what you want, Renner."

"I want to leave, Des. I'm going to leave."

"You're leaving the Hall?"

Renner nodded slowly. "Yes. You won't have to see me anymore."

Her anger slowly began to fade. "Where...where will you go?"

"A special healer hall. For people like me." Crazy people...

Another brief silence stretched between them. "I hope they can...help you," she murmured.

"I hope so too," he whispered, turning over onto his side. It hurt too much to see her anymore. "I'm sorry, Des. I'm... I'm sorry."

Last updated on the February 19th 2006

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What Could He Say Now?