Help Me Be Happy

Writers: Miriah, Paula
Date Posted: 7th July 2015

Characters: Ninaine, Yanley
Description: Ninaine comes to Yanley for help.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 13, day 15 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: D'ale, N'call

Ninaine

Yanley

Ninaine was a bundle of nerves as she approached the door to the Weyr
that Yanley shared with her dragonrider. She tried desperately to
cover her nervousness and unease by adopting a calm façade, but it was
more difficult to bring to bear, especially now. What if Yanley was
disappointed in her? What if she turned her away? Despite what she had
done, Yanley was still of the Blood and she was not. Swallowing and
taking a deep breath, she rapped lightly on the door.

"Come in!" Yanley called, holding naked, wet and squirming Daley in
her arms. She was trying to reach the towel without dropping her baby
who had discovered that kicking around was fun. The flits weren't
helping, darting around and getting in the way.

Ninaine stepped in and immediately dipped into a curtsey as had always
been her habit with Yanley. "Good morning, Lady." She rose and clasped
her hands together at her waist, winding her fingers against each
other as she tried not to shift from foot to foot. She watched the
interaction with the squirming baby and couldn't help but give a
tremulous smile. Could she do something like that?

"Ninaine, so nice to see you. Could you hand me that towel? I seem to
had run out of hands," Yanley greeted and asked, giving her a warm
smile.

Picking up the indicated towel, Ninaine hurried back to Yanley,
holding it out. "It certainly looks like it." She took a deep breath
and stood a little straighter. "He's lovely."

"He is, and a handful," Yanley replied. She soon got the baby dry and
dressed up. "So, what brings you here?" she asked.
She shifted on her feet and looked down at her hands, then back up at
the woman she had served since a tender age. "My Lady...I... I need
your guidance." She took a deep breath and her next words exploded out
of her. "I'm with child."

"What?" Yanley was surprised, to put it mildly. That was last thing
she had expected to hear from Ninaine, who had always been so prim and
proper. "How did that happen?"

Ninaine blushed brightly. "Uhm...the normal way, I would imagine." She
ran her damp palms over her skirts before folding them back into a
semblance of propriety. "N'call and I...uhm..." Her face got even
redder as she cleared her throat and continued. "I know you're
probably disappointed in me, and I'm sorry, Lady. " She bit her lower
lip, shifting on her feet again. "I'm not quite sure what to do."

"Disappointed? No, not that, ever. Surprised, yes very much," Yanley
quickly assured her. "Come, sit down and tell me eveything," she
asked, taking a seat in couch and patting the spot beside her. She put
Daley on the floor so he could roam a bit.

A little relieved, Ninaine sat and laid her hands primly on her lap.
She wondered where to begin, so she explained in soft tones that she
had been with N'call and hadn't thought of the teas. Shame laced her
voice as she continued, her hand drifting to her abdomen to rest
lightly upon it. "He knows now, but I'm...I'm not weyrmated to him."

"Oh, darling," Yanley said softly, "It's not easy being pregnant and
alone," she spoke from personal experience. "Have you given any
thought what will you do now?"

"I'm not alone completely," Ninaine had to admit. N'call was beginning
to be around more often than he was not. "He's trying to help, but
there's really not much he can do except be there when I'm sick." She
stroked her hands down her skirts. "I don't know. I'm not going to be
able to graduate with the rest of my class because I can't do the
Blooding now. And, really Luneth isn't ready; she's still struggling
to work with others...and so am I. I keep thinking that it's shameful,
what's happened. That I let it happen without being weyrmated or
married." She looked up and her lips turned downward. "Did you know
that my parents came here to try to get me to marry someone they
picked? Even though I have Luneth? It made me so angry and it wouldn't
have before. I would have done it without thinking about it."

She hung her head. "Now, they'll disown me completely and..." She
shifted hugged herself, her veil of polite conversation crumbling to
real emotion as she took a deep breath. "And honestly, I keep thinking
that I should apologize to them for being with child. For embarrassing
them. But a bigger part of me wants to say, "She swallowed and let the
next words burst out in a flurry of emotion. "Screw them, it's my
life!" She then covered her mouth in surprise at her own language and
glanced at Yanley, horrified. "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry I said
that, Lady!"

Yanley let out a short peal of merry laughter. "Oh, dear, you need
more than few swear words to shock me. Do you know how long it took
from Nimile to wean me out of using the language I picked up from
stable hands?" she said. "I think that was very apt expression in
your situation."

The blush remained on Ninaine's cheeks as she slowly nodded in
agreement, but a smile began to appear on her lips, though it was an
embarrassed one. "Perhaps...I've been not as careful with my speech
lately." She cleared her throat a bit. "I've changed, Lady, and I
don't know if it's a good thing."

"People change, especially at your age. It's called growing up,"
Yanley said and took Ninaine's hand, holding it tenderly between hers.
"Whether you are changing for good or bad is up to you. The decisions
you make or the decision you left for others to decide for you shape
your life. Sometimes coincidence plays it's part too. I just happened
to go to the Tavern when D'ale was there and my life got turned
around. If I had stayed home, I would still be in Amber Hills hold,
teaching fosterlings, helping Benani..and I wouldn't have Daley." She
glanced her son who was crawling all over the rug, two flits darting
around him. He was trying to reach them and they kept just out of his
reach. They had already learned by hard way that babies were
unpredictable, surprisingly fast and grabbed everything, taking it to
his mouth (including firelizard's tails).

Ninaine looked down at her hand in Yanley's and her voice dropped.
"I'm scared, Lady. My mother, she said I would become a whore. And now
look at me, with child and no weyrmate. I know it's a part of
weyrlife, but..." She looked up at Yanley and her lip trembled a
little. "I'm tired of being scared; I'm tired of hating my life." She
bit her lower lip and her voice became shamed. "Once...when Luneth was
asleep, I thought of jumping off the rim." She shuddered at the
memory. "I don't want to be in that place again. I just want to be
happy. I really do. But I'm afraid I don't know how any more."

"Oh, darling," Yanley's heart ached for her and she pulled Ninaine to
an embrace. "You can be happy, but first you have to learn to let go.
Let go of the expectations ingrained to you by your upbringing. Let go
the expectations you have for yourself. Or others have for your. It's
not easy, I know that. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

Ninaine let herself be pulled into the embrace and accepted the
comfort. It was much needed and it eased the trouble in her mind.
"How? How do I let go, Lady? I want to, but I don't know how."

"I think you're already taken steps to that direction. Let your
feelings out, don't hide them behind the mask of decorum."

Chewing on her bottom lip, Ninaine nodded slowly. She would try it,
but she was so used to having that mask between her emotions and
everyone else, she didn't know if it would be so easily dismissed. She
was afraid of all of the rampant emotions that she'd always managed to
keep in check until she Impressed. And how would Luneth fair if she
didn't hide what she felt? Would she react badly? "And the child?"

"This is Weyr, you have more choices than at the hold. You can give
the baby to a fosterparents and walk away, forgetting you ever had
one. Or you can keep the baby as much as you can considering that
you're dragonrider. The baby still needs a fostermother in that case
too. And yes, it's doable, I've met enough greenriders who combine
motherhood and Thread-fightning," Yanley replied. She was actually
tempted to offer to take Ninaine's baby as fosterling. If she did
that, she would have to give up her current job. Two children would be
full-time occupation. It was worth consideration though and she also
needed D'ale's opinion before filling his weyr with babies.

"I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother." She admitted softly. "I
still don't know who I am. I can't give the baby away completely,
though. I just couldn't." She'd been around young children all of her
life, but it was one thing to watch other women with their children
and a whole other thing to have one of her own. Before, it had been
her life goal, to marry well and produce children for her husband, who
ever that turned out to be. But for so long, Luneth had been her sole
focus and she still needed to concentrate on the temperamental green.
And she didn't want to be like her own mother and she was desperately
afraid that she would end up doing exactly that.

Her hand laid on her abdomen. It was N'call's decision too, but she
didn't think she could handle Luneth and a new baby. She would have to
speak to him about it. Surely he would understand. She hoped. They'd
never really discussed the matter. She looked back at Yanley. "Would
you? I mean..." She flushed, but looked hopeful. "Would you mind
fostering the baby? Or helping me find a nice person to foster?
Someone not like my mother?"

"I would love to foster your baby," Yanley said. It would mean
dropping off her current work as an assitant headwoman. But she could
take D'ale's daughter in too. "I do have to talk with D'ale first
though," she warned. Did he want to fill the weyr with children? She
had a feeling he wouldn't mind.

Ninaine gave a relieved sigh and could only hope that D'ale would
agree. "Alright. Thank you, Yanley. For everything." She gave the
woman a tight hug and finally found some measure of comfort.

"Anytime," Yanley replied. Like she could ever abandon one of her girls.

Last updated on the July 8th 2015

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Help Me Be Happy