A Lot To Think About

Writers: Miriah, Suzee
Date Posted: 19th February 2020

Characters: J'lor, Ninaine
Description: J'lor offers aid and advice to Ninaine
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 1, day 24 of Turn 10
Notes: Mentioned: Teseada, N'call, Saibra, T'lat
Notes: Occurs shortly after "Give me Time"

J'lor

Ninaine

Sending the twins to their foster mother after Teseada's visit,
Ninaine couldn't sit still. She paced around her small weyr, arms
crossed tightly over her chest as she chewed over what she'd been
told. It felt like everything was falling to pieces and the tension
between her shoulders and along her neck made her head pound. She
didn't know what to do or what to think. She didn't know how to feel.
All she knew was that she didn't want to hide in her bed and cry about
it. She was sick of that. So she paced and chewed her thumbnails to
the quick.

The knock on her door barely drew her from her reverie. "Come in."

"Afternoon Ninaine," J'lor said from the doorway. "How are you doing?"
He'd had his lifemate keep an eye on hers and her state of mind seemed
to be declining. So rather than keep waiting for her to come to him,
he'd decided it was time to go to her.

Ninaine looked up, her teeth already nibbling on another nail. She
blinked. "J'lor. What are you doing here?" She pulled her finger from
her mouth and sighed. "Shaffit, Luneth..."

}: I was worried. :{

"J'lor, I'm fine. I'm just thinking. I've got some things to figure
out. That's all."

"Thats fine," he smiled. "Feel free to bounce 'em off me. I'd be happy
to help you figure it all out. Sometimes talking to someone else can
help you understand what you really want."

"It's personal." She rolled her shoulders, feeling the tension
increase between the blades and continued pacing. "I suppose if I told
you to go away, you wouldn't listen, would you?"

"Mmm," he mused at her first statement. "Probably not," he said. to
her second. "I could just sit quietly and rub your shoulders," he
added with a quirk of his brows. "They look like they're bothering you
a bit."

She snorted softly and continued her pacing, brows deeply furrowed. "I
don't want to sit still right now." If she did, then she would likely
start to cry again. "Besides, all you'll do is dissect every little
thing I say then tell me how wrong I am. Or how what I'm feeling is
wrong. Or something else like that. Or how I need to get used to weyr
ways and let go." She grimaced.

J'lor just smiled at her. "Have I ever said any of that?"

"All the time." She barely glanced at him. "If you're going to come
in, then come in and shut the door. You're letting in a draft. Or go
away and let me think."

"Alright," He closed the door and found a seat on her small couch and
simply watched her pace. He knew he hadn't said any of what she'd
accused him of. Mostly what he did was ask questions to get people to
think about things instead of just react. He'd have to be patient if
he was going to get through to her at all. He just watched.

She paced, but it wasn't the same feeling when she was alone. Instead,
she felt his eyes following her movements. It was distracting. It also
made the tension between her shoulder blades tighten in response.
"Would you stop that?" She stopped and turned to him. "Can you just
let me be upset?"

"I'm not stopping you Ninaine," he said mildly. "I'm just watching."
He waited a couple of heartbeats. "Why are you so upset?"

"I know you're watching. It bothers me. I can't think." Ninaine
frowned, hugging herself even tighter. "I'm trying to figure out what
to do, or if I can do anything. Or if it even matters what I do
because apparently, what I think or what I feel isn't important." She
flung up her hands and returned to her pacing. "Only what other people
want is important. And if I object, I'll be selfish, or jealous, or
hold-bred. So what does it matter what I think or if I'm hurt, or
lonely?" Her hands balled up into fists.

"Of course you matter," he said. "You matter a great deal." He thought
that perhaps there were so many things that were difficult for her
right now it was like juggling and she couldn't focus on just one ball
with so many of them in the air. "What is the one thing you want to
do the most?"

"Smack N'call. Scream. Cry. Get angry. All of it." She rubbed her face
and though her lower lip trembled, she sucked it and bit it stubbornly
as she stopped and began to stare at the wall. "He left me while I was
pregnant. A risky pregnancy. To follow Teseada. My last month, I was
miserable. And then...she comes and tells me that they're planning a
baby together.Not a flight baby. A planned baby. And if I transfer,
_they_ will help _me_ with the twins. And I can help _them_ with
theirs. He's sleeping with her every night. He's going home to her!
And every single time I even seem jealous, he acts like it's an insult
and can't understand why!"

"I can appreciate how you feel," J'lor said. And he really could, but
this wasn't about him or his own experiences. "While he was here,
though he was sleeping with you every night right?"

"Yes." Her lip did tremble then. "That was the agreement we had. And
that's not happening any more. Instead, he's sleeping with her." She
jaw tightened and she plopped into a chair, staring at her hands in
her lap. "He could sleep with whoever he wanted as long as he came
home to me at night. But you know, I never did that to him. Ever. Not
once. He knew I wouldn't."

"Did he?" J'lor wasn't sure about that. N'call had been raised in the
Weyr. "Know, I mean. If he knew you would never do it then there would
have been no need to negotiate or grant permission. Did you ever think
about it?"

"Of course he did. He knows me." She huffed. "And of course not. A
woman sleeping with someone outside of a marriage...weyrmating..." She
quickly corrected herself with a quick glance at J'lor, "is wrong. I
mean, I have to with mating flights, but it's not me doing it. It's
Luneth, so I don't have much choice in that. A woman does that if she
doesn't respect or love her husband...weyrmate. And I'm not going to
be a whore. I won't be that. Not ever." The memory of her mother's
insult from her Impression made her shudder visibly.

"Is that what you're going to say to Lady Saibra," he asked mildly.
"You plan on telling her she's a whore?" That word sounded different
coming out of his mouth rather than hers.

Her jaw dropped open and Ninaine paled. "What? No! I'd never say
anything like that to her. She's...she's a goldrider and she's the
weyrwoman."

"How does the color of her dragon absolve her behavior?" He tilted his
head. "Is that what the Harpers teach us?"

"I...it.." Ninaine stumbled over her words, trying to find a rationale
and only managed a weak reply. "but...but it's wrong..."

"Why is it wrong? Dragonriders don't have land to pass along to sons
of their own blood. Dragons decide and the rider complies." he quoted
the age old Harper reaching. "But more than that, a Holder man must be
sure his children are really his." He shook his head. "I don't think
women really want that rule. So they come to the Weyr where it doesn't
exist." He shrugged his shoulders, "Or do you think Holders even want
to think a man like me exists? I like both men and women. Does that
make me a whore too? It's a pretty awful word come to think of it."

"But..." She visibly floundered. That was what she'd been taught
growing up. It had been pressed into her mind constantly. But J'lor
had a point. A very strong point one. "Well..no.... I..." She fell
silent and stared at him, then hugged herself, rubbing her own upper
arms. She spoke softly after a few moments. "It's a horrible word."

"And you aren't one," he added. "Neither am I. We're dragonriders and
because we are we can't try to fit ourselves into the Holders mode of
living. It just isn't going to work out. You've really really tried
but," he shrugged and lifted his hands.

Her arms tightened around herself even further. "But it hasn't made me
happy," she ended for him, then gave a choked laugh. "So I should just
accept that he left? That it's okay? How is feeling like he thought
she was more important supposed to make me happy? Or that he's making
a whole other family without me supposed to make me happy? I needed
him, J'lor. I was scared and miserable. And he wasn't there because
catching a gold was more important to him. How is that a good thing?
And how...if sleeping with other people should be okay...J'lor, no one
wants like that except for N'call. I'm not pretty. No one even looks
at me."

"Ninaine," he said after she wound down a bit. "Think about what you
just said. Do you really mean that your ability to be happy depends
completely on N'call? You're angry with him of course. I'm not saying
you're wrong to be unhappy that he wasn't here when you had your
babies. But to pin your entire happiness on one person is asking for
disaster."

"I didn't say that..." Then her voice trailed off as she realized that
she had, in essence, said that. And she also had a very sudden and
sharp realization. It was massively unfair to N'call to expect that,
even if she had every right to be angry at him. How long had she
relied on him to make her happy? Her brow furrowed as she caught her
breath, **Since the very beginning.** "I..." Ninaine didn't know what
To say to answer that more than the soft whisper of, "I don't know how
to not do that..."

"Then maybe _that_ is what we can try to work on. What do you think?"
J'lor smiled encouragingly.

She finally looked up at him and nodded slowly. "I guess I need that."
She continued to rub her arms, shoulder's hunched. "How?"

"We'll take it slow, at least at first. But you need to get out of
your weyr and get some exercise. Socialize a bit in the dining hall
and outside of your wing meetings. Make some other greenrider friends
and talk to them to get their perspective on sexuality. Once you get
that far the next step may be a bit hard for you. But we should talk
regularly and you should find some kind of activity you enjoy that
takes you out of your weyr."

"I don't have wing meetings, J'lor." But she listened, taking in his
advice. She'd never really socialized much with anyone, especially as
a weyrling and Luneth's behavior limited her contact with her fellow
weyrlings. Most of them didn't like her, not that she could really
blame them. There was T'lat. She adored him, though in the past month
hadn't spent much time with him. She missed that. "I don't mind
exercise. I need to do it anyway." Her brow furrowed at the 'next
step' comment. "What next step? And what activity? I really...well, I
don't have many hobbies except for embroidery and I can do that in
here."

"Don't bring me excuses," he said cordially. "I've heard them all. You
must figure out a way to embroider, _not_ in your weyr." He grinned at
her. "And one more thing. You should explore your sexuality with other
partners. Find out how it feels when not one with your dragon."

Ninaine turned an immediate bright shade of red and squeaked out a
protest. "But.. but I know how it feels! N'call's never won my flights
but we..." Her mouth opened and closed and she shook her head. "I
couldn't do that. I told you, no one looks at me like that. No one
wants me like that except him." She flung the chair pillow at him.
"Stop grinning! It's not funny, J'lor!"

He caught the pillow easily. "I think you might be surprised," he
smiled. "if you dressed right you could attract just about whoever you
want Ninaine. You have the assets to pull it off." He judged her sense
of humor was engaged enough for him to be able to tease her a little.
"I know," he added with an even bigger grin.

"You're awful, J'lor!" But there was finally a smile quivering around
her mouth, despite her efforts to not show it around her blushes.
"Assets? You mean all ass! Especially right now. And it's going to
take forever to get my belly flatter again. Do you have any idea how
hard it was last time? Trust me, if you saw me naked right now..." She
looked away, her blush extending down to her neck. "Well...it's...I
need to exercise."

He shook his head, "Some men like that," he said with almost a snort.
"But you don't give anyone a chance to talk to you let alone admire
you. You're as prickly as a needlethorn sapling."

Her eyes shot back to him, wanting to immediately deny his claim, but
found that she couldn't. Her lips twisted as she finally admitted her
deeper thoughts that had plagued her since she'd arrived. "It's
embarrassing when men look at me, J'lor. I don't know what to do when
they look at me. I don't know how to act. It's..." she sighed.
"Sometimes I wish I knew how to flirt around men. But I don't know how
without feeling stupid or that some how they're laughing at me inside.
I wish I could be that confident but I'm afraid of being that
confident too. There's been times that I kind of wish that I could be
alluring and sexy. I'm just...kind of afraid of it too, you know?"

"Look, if you see one you want to encourage, just smile at him then
look away. He'll take the hint and come to talk to you. But if you
scowl at everyone, they can't see that you might want to talk. Part
of sexy is just being friendly. Does that make sense?"

"Friendly. I guess that makes sense." Ninaine nodded slowly, taking a
slow breath, recalling how she'd seen other women do the same, even at
the Hold. Of course, she'd never thought highly of those women, back
then, but now was different. "Okay...I can try that." Then she
frowned, remembering a few interactions that had seemed rather
annoying, but now that she looked at them in a different light..." Do
men do that too? The whole, smile and look away thing? If they're
interested?"

"Well, men kind of speak a different body language. They'll try to
keep eye contact with you. That and if they like you, smile a lot
around you. You'll also know he's interested if he licks his lips."
J'lor looked directly into her eyes, smiled and licked his lower lip.

"J'lor...Stop that." She flushed and looked away, but then glanced
back through the corner of her eyes , a smile quirking her lips
upwards even as she pointedly looked away again.

"I was just demonstrating," he smiled as she did the same. "Very
nice," he said. "But this is why you should practice. I know you'll
get the hang of it."

Practice flirting. That was a piece of advice that she's never
received and never expected. But it was something she thought she
could do. Perhaps she'd watch in the dining hall to see how other
greenriders did it. "Alright. I'll practice." She took a breath.
"Thank you, J'lor. You've given me a lot to think about."

He winked at her. "Flirt," he nodded. "Whether or not you follow
through to something more... stimulating, is entirely up to you. But
it will be good for you and for your primary relationship in the long
run." He shrugged and stood. He was happy with the progress they'd
made, if her self doubt didn't reassert itself and bollix the whole
thing again. "Call me if you need me Ninaine," he smiled as he walked
toward the door.

Last updated on the May 31st 2020

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A Lot To Think About