You Could Never Understand

Writers: Devin, Yvonne
Date Posted: 14th January 2025

Characters: K'mai, H'run
Description: H'run checks on K'mai the day after Riyanth's death at Barrier Lake - and comments on where he spent the night.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 2, day 8 of Turn 12
Notes: Follows 'DFW: I'm Here for You' and 'DFW: A Grief With No Name'
Mentioned: I'serin, Kapera

K'mai

H'run

K'mai pushed food around on his plate. He certainly wasn't the only
one still feeling rough this evening. There was a constant low murmur
of people sharing news and gossip about last night, but the dining
cavern was unusually quiet. People walked around in a daze, eyes puffy
from crying or with dark circles from lack of sleep. It must be so
much worse at Barrier Lake.

Contrasting memories and feelings spun through K'mai's mind. The
weight of Sebeth's grief. I'serin taking him inside without hesitation
or protest. Dragons keening. I'serin holding him as he cried. The
reopened wound of River Bluff. Falling asleep with their arms around
each other.

K'mai had imagined spending the night in a Weyrleader's bed, all
forbidden desire and sweaty passion. But when it happened in reality
it had been all softness, holding each other against tragedy and
painful memories. I'serin's presence had soothed the raw places inside
K'mai, and the thought of his unwavering comfort brought a faint smile
to K'mai's lips.

"May I join you?" H'run smiled weakly as K'mai looked up. The harper
had changed for dinner into a dark wool sweater, and little citrine
earrings glinting by his jaw in a subtle nod to recent events. "It's
all right if you'd rather I not, you know. I won't be angry. It's been
a difficult day."

Pulled out of his thoughts, K'mai was a little disoriented. "What? Oh,
oh of course you can join me. Please." K'mai naturally gravitated
toward the company of others but somehow he'd just . . . found himself
alone at the table today.

H'run sat across from K'mai and set his tray down before him, but he
was paying far more attention to the other bluerider than his plate of
roast beast and vegetables. "How are you?"

K'mai shrugged a shoulder. "Okay I guess."

"I think you were still at Barrier Lake Weyr when it... happened. Or
were you back already?"

K'mai closed his eyes. "I was there. Sebeth . . . felt it." And then
he had, and the horrible memories of River Bluff had swallowed him up.

H'run reached across the table to cover K'mai's hand with his own. "I
was there too. I looked for you..."

The fear and pain tried to crowd K'mai's mind but he pushed them back.
"I'm sorry. I had to leave. It was . . . it was too much."

H'run casually withdrew his hand to pick up his fork. "I suppose
that's why you went to see I'serin."

A hot flush went through K'mai - fear of being found out, guilt that
he'd selfishly imposed on I'serin and risked gossip, a fierce need to
protect the bronzerider, anger at the thought that he needed to
justify anything. It was too much. _Everything_ was too much. "He was
at River Bluff!"

**So were a lot of people.** H'run stabbed at a bit of buttered
fingerroot with a bit more care than necessary. He hadn't missed the
way K'mai had stiffened and leaned back. "I didn't think the two of
you were that close."

K'mai wanted to walk away but he knew that would make things worse. "I
don't know what I was thinking. I was out of my mind. What happened
with -- it made me think of River Bluff, all that shock and panic and
. . . and I needed someone who would understand."

The other bluerider set his fork down carefully at the edge of his
plate, appetite suddenly gone. "Then for your sake I am glad he was
somehow able to make time for you."

K'mai thought of I'serin's hand gripping him, the gentle command to
come inside, how he'd let K'mai stay -- _offered_ to let him spend the
night. "He was so kind," K'mai said softly. Then he realized what he'd
said, who he'd said it _to_, and if anyone could dig around and find
out that something else was going on . . . another rush of fear went
through him. "I barged in and cried all over him and he was too _nice_
to throw me out." He studied H'run for a second. He was doing that
deadly quiet pouting thing that meant he was upset. "I know what this
is. You're mad I went to him instead of you. Well I'm sorry but you
weren't at River Bluff, you can't understand. I needed someone I
didn't have to explain anything to, who would just _know_. You could
_never_ understand the way he does."

H'run flinched. K'mai was never _mean_. "I-- he's the Weyrleader, all
I was saying was that it was a kind thing that he made time for you in
the middle of a crisis! Faranth knows he had so many other things to
deal with. Someone tried to _murder_ a Weyroman."

"I _know_ that. And I know it was selfish to . . ." K'mai shook his
head. He hadn't meant to snap at H'run like that, he just felt so
rattled by everything.

**Did I'serin do something?** H'run studied K'mai through his lashes.
It had been an exceptionally hard night for all of them. "Did he scold
you for it? If he did, I don't care if he's the Weyrleader, I will
bloody his nose if he was mean to you."

"No, no!" K'mai waved his hands. "He was nothing but kind." Held him
while he cried, held him through the night. K'mai didn't realize his
expression had gone soft.

H'run hesitated. Something about this was making him feel like
something was off... but K'mai didn't lie. Not to him, at any rate. He
looked down at his plate, confused by how he felt. "I know that I'm
not from River Bluff, but if you ever need anything, K'mai..."

"I know." K'mai sighed. "I didn't . . . I'm not in the best place
right now and I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"I understand," H'run said softly. He hesitated, then forged ahead
anyway. "If you need anything, you know I am here for you, right?"

K'mai considered him, wondering if it would be a bad idea or not. He
really was out of sorts and wasn't sure if he would be too moody but .
. . "Maybe I could come over tonight?"

H'run's heart leapt. "Of course."

"Just . . . please be patient with me. I know this was rough for
everybody, but it was . . . last night was really bad, H'run." K'mai's
heart beat faster just remembering how lost he'd been in those
terrible memories.

"I'll always be here if you need me. I'll wrap you up in a warm
blanket and feed you treats from the Kitchens, and you don't have to
say anything if you don't want to. I know what it's like to need
company," H'run added softly.

K'mai reached for his hand and squeezed it. "Thank you." He definitely
didn't want to be alone tonight and he couldn't impose on I'serin two
nights in a row, much as he wanted to.

Last updated on the January 25th 2025

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You Could Never Understand