The Truth

Writers: Bree, Eimi
Date Posted: 29th January 2007

Characters: Zanie, Renner
Description: Zanie pulls the real reason he won't marry her out of him
Location: Dolphin Hall
Date: month 1, day 26 of Turn 4

Zanie had thrown herself into work after Turn's End, pushing herself to the edge of exhaustion each day so that she was too tired to do anything but sleep when she finally returned to her rooms. Guilt at not having the courage to face Renner again chipped away at her every day, but she couldn't see him until she figured out how to recover her pride.

What she hadn't expected was to have the decision taken from her. After a particularly long day she returned to her room with a plate full of leftovers and a flask of wine, intending to hide from the rest of the Hall until morning.

Instead she found Renner seated at her small desk.

He jumped up to his feet when he heard the sound of the door. "Hi," he said simply, knowing full well he was a surprise. Shards, he hoped he was a welcome one.

"Renner." Zanie set her plate down carefully before turning to close her door, scrambling to compose herself as she did so. When she turned to face him, she managed a smile. "When did you get back?"

"Just today," he said with an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, I just didn't feel like... facing everyone..."

"Oh. Well, you're always welcome here." And because he looked so nervous, she slid closer and wrapped an awkward arm around his shoulders in a hug. "I'm glad you're back."

"It's good to know someone is," he said with a faint smile as he tentatively wrapped his arms around her waist.

Zanie sighed. "Things are... awkward. And it's my fault. I'm sorry."

"No no," he quickly assured her. "If anyone made things awkward it was me."

"I was too... forward. And now I know why we're not supposed to be like that." She released him and moved to perch on the edge of her bed.

He carefully sat down beside her. "That doesn't mean we don't care about each other just the same."

She felt like she was being patronized. "Don't do that, Renner. Don't treat me like a stupid, lovestruck little girl."

"Don't be angry at me, Zanie. Please." His first day back and he was already starting to wonder if he shouldn't have just stayed where he was.

"I'm not angry," she replied with a sigh. "I just feel foolish, Renner. I told you what I felt, and you don't feel the same way. And it hurts and it makes me feel silly... but I'm not _angry_ with you for it." "Don't be hurt, Zanie. It's not that... I don't love you..." No, he didn't want to bring this all up again. Not yet. "Do you think we could go swimming in the morning?" he asked, knowing full well it was a lame way to change the subject.

Zanie sighed tried to let go of her discomfort. "Of course, Renner.
Just... don't patronize me anymore. I didn't tell you I was desperately in love with you, and I'm not going to pine away. I only had companionship to offer, and you only had to say you were waiting for a better offer, all right? That's it."

"No, Zanie, that's not it," Renner sighed with an emphatic shake of his head. "I'm not waiting for a better offer. And I won't be making anyone an offer. I intend to never marry."

"Why," she insisted, showing no sign of dropping the subject. "Why am I so bad if you're not going to marry anyone else? Are you in love with someone else? Someone you can't marry for some reason?" For the first time she considered that this might very well be the case... another man's wife, perhaps? It didn't seem like Renner's style, but...

Shards, how could he make her understand its not her? "I just know I would not be able to make any woman happy. I... I wouldn't be a good husband. Please Zanie, just don't take it personally. I never wanted to hurt you."

"But you see, it's still stupid _excuses_," Zanie snapped. "All you give me are excuses! For Faranth's sake, Renner! Do me the favor of telling me the _truth_!"

He did not like where this converstation was going. It was too personal. Too many old wounds. Too much potential for new ones. "It's not an excuse Zanie! It _is_ the truth! Please, just believe me when I say I can't make you happy. You deserve to be with someone who can make you happy."

Zanie stiffened next to him. "Saying it over and over until the words don't even _mean_ anything more doesn't make it true. But I understand.
You don't want to tell me. Fine. We won't talk about it any more."

No, he wanted to tell her. He was just afraid to tell her. **She won't leave it until you do. She'll hold it over you until you tell her the truth. Get it over with Renner. If this is the end... well its better to tell to do it now. There's still a chance to disappear...**

"All right, Zanie. I'll tell you the truth," Renner said softly. He was silent a moment as he tried to form in his mind just how to word it. Shards it was hard. "Do you... remember when I told you about my lover who was killed in the first Threadfall?"

"Yes..."

Renner took a deep breath. "My lover wasn't a greenrider, Zanie. He was a bluerider. S'bos. Zanie... I can't marry you because I like _men_..."

Zanie blinked at him, too startled to say anything for a moment. "Oh." "So... you see... it's not you, Zanie," he said quietly, watching her face for any hint of what was going on in her mind right then. "You have to understand, I love you more than anyone. I just can't marry you. And that's not your fault... It's mine..."

Her momentary shock wore off, and Zanie slid her hand over his and gripped it tightly. "I don't really want to sleep with you, Renner. I like men fine, but... well, that wasn't why I said I wanted to marry you."

Renner couldn't help a helpless chuckle. "Shards, Zanie... That's _part_ of being married! I couldn't make you happy. Not the way I _want_ you to be happy. I want you to fall in love and have a _real_
husband..."

She let go of his hand. "You're doing it again. I'm not a child, and you don't get to decide what makes me happy, or what I should do with my life."

"And what about what will make _me_ happy, Zanie?"

"That's what I wanted to know to begin with," she replied forcefully.
"But you wouldn't _tell_ me what would make you happy!"

"A _man_ Zanie!" Shards, wasn't she listening? "At least, in some ways," he ammended more gently. Renner knew it terms of companionship, Zanie could make him very happy. She made him feel safe. Safe from the world and from himself. She made things right, in some strange, undefinable way. But as much as he loved her, she was missing that sexual chemistry that supposedly marked the difference between a friend and life partner.

Zanie didn't seem upset, though. Instead she seemed thoughtful. "Why didn't you move to the Weyr when we had the chance, Renner? You could _have_ a man there, and no one would care."

"I'm not a Weyr-man, Zanie. I'm a dolphineer. This is what I love. I don't belong in that world." Not every man whose tastes ran contrary to what society deemed proper was cut out to live in the Weyr, as much as everyone would love to believe it was the trash heap they could cast their undesirables off onto.

"Oh." It was too much to think about all at once. "Thank you for telling me."

"Zanie, does your knowing the truth... does this.. _change_ anything? Between us?" He held his breath, watching her face. Did he ruin everything by telling her?

"Well, yes." Zanie slid an arm around his waist and hugged him. "I don't have to wonder what about me is so terrible that you had to make excuses about not being able to make me happy. I felt pretty stupid for a while."

"I never ment to make you feel so, Zanie. I just didn't think you'd understand." Renner wrapped his arms around her tightly and burried his face against her shoulder, feeling tears fill his eyes. She knew, and everything seemed to be ok. He had wanted to tell her for so long. It was such a great relief - to know that everything would be ok.

Last updated on the January 29th 2007

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