Living With the Consequences

Writers: Rochelle, Eimi
Date Posted: 1st June 2007

Characters: R'mer, Eleada
Description: Eleada reveals to R'mer what causes her nightmares.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 3, day 10 of Turn 4
Notes: Notes: Follows "Just a Nightmare"

Notes: Oops! I thought this went out at the same time as "Just a

Nightmare" but apparently not... Sorry for the lateness.

Eleada shook her head, staring into the distant shadows of her weyr
without really seeing them. The room seemed so different now. It wasn't
empty anymore, and it wasn't because Arieoss had slunk in to lay beneath
her feet. R'mer was warm and comfortable to lean on, even as she
despaired at what she was doing. She'd been trying to _discourage_ his
crush, shardit! And yet... he was someone who knew where the line was.

"I know why I have them." She said softly at last, shivering as images
from the dreams flashed distantly across her mind. "I just can't..." She
sighed.

R'mer could feel how she was still shaking, and he felt completely
under-qualified, but he would do his best. "Can't what?"

Eleada shook her head again, trying to find the words. "I don't dare do
what I have to do to stop them." She said at last. She knew it didn't
make sense, but she was trying to feel her way through an explanation
she'd never been forced to make except to mindhealers.

"What do you have to do to stop them?" His brow creased a little.
Whatever it was she had to do, it sounded serious...

She saw his expression and sighed, shrinking in on herself. "It's
nothing bad, at least not in a weyr. But..." She hugged herself tightly.
"I... told you that I nearly died having the twins, right?"

He nodded.

"It... wasn't the only time." She admitted quietly. "For turns I slept
with anything that moved. And I conceive easily, even with the tea. My
curse, I guess. But after the twins... something went wrong when I had
them. And when I tried to go /between/ after I conceived again..." She
fell silent.

R'mer still couldn't understand how women could so easily talk about
ending pregnancies in the Weyr when the rest of the South was so
desperate for children, but this certainly wasn't the time for his own
views on the subject. He wrapped his arm around her pulling her even
closer into his side. "What happened?"

She shrugged, trying to distance herself from the pain of that long ago
day. "I nearly died. Again. I was in bed for a month, and it was another
two before I could rejoin the wings. And they told me that if I wasn't
careful the next time I tried it would kill me. So I stopped taking
lovers entirely, unless I thought they were worth the risk or it was a
flight." She rested her head on her knees, staring into the distance of
the past. "Empty weyrs." She whispered to herself, not realizing that
she had spoken aloud.

"Empty weyrs?" He wasn't quite sure what that meant. "Because you had
no... no lovers?"

Oh shards. Had she said that? Maybe she should backtrack a bit. "Sort
of. I've always had someone there. Growing up I was the youngest of
six, and C'radan fostered Coraly with mother before I Impressed. So
there was always somebody there. And when I got my own weyr... It was
lonely. That wasn't why I took lovers though. I just liked the sex." She
smiled bitterly. "But when I moved to High Reaches, there was no one
there. I didn't dare let anyone spend the night, and I had no family
nearby. So when Linrary and I became friends I let her move in. And it
was wonderful. But after she died... you can't replace someone you
loved." She said softly. "I was alone again, and the dreams started
again after I left the infirmary."

He felt a little uncomfortable about how casually she talked about
liking sex, but again, he knew that was his cothold-bred biases. Back
home if a woman had acted like that, she would have been shunned by the
other woman, though probably would have found more than her share of
male attention... He pushed that thought aside as he rubbed her back
soothingly. "You said you can stop the dreams?"

She leaned into his hand, trying to summon the energy to hate herself
for being so weak, but couldn't. "No. Not exactly... Yes. I've always
had them though, ever since the earthquake at Thayan Peak. I was trapped
in the back bedroom when the roof caved in... it killed my mother's
weyrmate." She said softly. "And I could hear him screaming when Byrinth
died. That's what the dreams are mostly -screams of everyone I've heard
die as they were left alone." She shuddered, but continued. "The dreams
only come when Gliorith is asleep -she sleeps very deeply, and I've
never been able to wake her. But they aren't as bad when I can hear
someone in the weyr with me while I'm asleep. And they never come when
someone shares my bed."

No wonder she had such nightmares. He couldn't imagine anything so
frightening as being trapped in the dark alone... Forever... Like
hanging in /between/ for all eternity... "So... what you're saying is
that the dreams would stop if someone shared your bed?"

"Yes." She closed her eyes. "I can feel them next to me, hear them
breathing even while I'm asleep, so I know that I'm not alone. But I
don't dare. Eventually... It's one thing to face death from Thread, or
earthquakes. It's another to have your own body betray you. To feel your
life draining away before your eyes while you slowly bleed to death, and
know that there's no one but yourself to blame, because you didn't have
the guts to say No."

He had no idea how that would feel. Thread was frightening enough. He
couldn't even imagine feeling yourself die... "I'm sorry. I just... I
don't know what to say, Eleada..."

Suddenly aware of how overwhelming this must be to someone so young -and
a hold-bred male to boot- she smiled softly at the bronzerider. "You
don't need to say anything." She said softly. "There's nothing to be
said. It's my life, and my problem. I'm living with the consequences of
my actions like everyone else. But..." She leaned a little closer and
kissed him lightly on the cheek. "...thank you for listening."

"I don't mind listening..." A slight blush crept up his cheeks, his
skin still tingling from the tender brush of her lips. "In fact, I
could stay with you tonight if you like... Not to do anything like...
Not to... you know. But maybe you could sleep..."

She looked at him for a moment, unsure what to say, before shaking her
head slowly. "That's sweet of you R'mer, but you don't have to. I'll be
fine." She offered a faint smile. "After all, there isn't much night
left."

"Yeah, I just meant... I mean since you couldn't... Yeah, that's fine."
**Sharding idiot. You know you went too far!**

"I know what you meant, R'mer." She said softly, trying to ignore the
little stab of fear wringing her heart at the idea of being alone now
that she had someone there. "I just don't want you to stay up on my
behalf. You need rest too."

"Well," he shrugged, "I thought the point was that we _both_ would
sleep..."

She knew she shouldn't, but... she sighed softly to herself, releasing
her knees and letting her head fall to his shoulder. It was more
comfortable this way, if he decided to stay. "It's up to you R'mer." She
murmured. Faranth she was tired...

"I don't mind staying," he replied softly, his hand coming to rest
lightly on her knee.

Eleada closed her eyes, feeling his warm presence filling her lonely
weyr in a way that a purring feline never could. She shouldn't take
advantage if him like this, she knew better. But for the moment, she
didn't care. All that mattered was that he was staying.

Last updated on the June 26th 2007

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