A Disappointment

Writers: Vix
Date Posted: 9th September 2007

Characters: Tamaca
Description: Tamaca finally reads the letter that her brother left for her before his death.
Location: River Bluff Weyr
Date: month 5, day 25 of Turn 4

"Go ahead - I'll catch up with you later." Tamaca closed the door of the dormitory room she shared with the other female candidates, finally alone. She picked her way between the beds, stepping around puddles and a few items of discarded clothing, remnants of the rain that had pelted the Weyr that day, soaking through garments and leaving a clammy feel to the air.

She stood, silent, listening for any sound, any indication of her roommates returning, but heard nothing. With a nod, she made her way across the room, to her own bed, and beside it the basket that contained her clothing, digging deep within, feeling for the book that she knew lay hidden. She had brought it here a few days before, but saved it for a time when she was alone. That time had not come, and finally she had decided that the only way to find the privacy she needed was to forego dinner and to use this time when the other candidates were in the dining cavern.

With book in hand, she stepped to her bed, plopping down onto it, lying on her stomach so that she stretched with her head and the book toward the closest source of light. As she had when she retrieved it from her mother's weyr, she traced her fingers over the title of the book, the gold-tinted letters on brown leather, spelling out "Harper of the Weyr." The corners of her mouth lifted upwards into a smile as she wondered how long her brother had searched to find this, the perfect title, to present to her on her birthingday.

The book gave a deep crackling sound as she opened it, the cover and pages still stiff and new, never yet read. There was the inscription, the simple words identifying both her and her brother by their nicknames for each other, Tam-one for him, the older, and Tam-two for her. She took a deep breath, setting aside the emotions that threatened to overcome her at the sight of his familiar handwriting, sloping sloppily forward, with the lower loops of letters ballooning larger than the ones above.

She had read the title of the book before, had read the inscription that he had penned upon it, but had not read the words of the story. Nor had she read the letter that rested between the pages, a letter left for her by her brother, a letter that he had told her to read later, after her party, when she was alone. She had forgotten to do so, had been busy with her classes, and then had been busy with her grief, and had set it aside, allowing turns to separate her from the words he had left for her.

Now she felt along the edge of the book, finding the letter, and opening the book to where the folded piece of paper had remained over those turns, the turns since her sixteenth birthingday, the turns since the return of Thread, the turns since her brother's death.

Upon the page of the book she noted ink marks, designating a passage of print. Though she had not read the story, she now scanned those words, the ones marked on the page.

The elderly Harper waved his finger at the girl before him. "Think on this, Salia, and take it to heart: you have now Turned sixteen, a momentous age. Were you now at a Hold or Hall, you would be married and expected to birth your first babe soon - or receive glances askance wondering what was wrong with you. But you are at the Weyr, where we recognize you for more than a womb to bear brats and hands to labor to keep a cot clean. In the Weyr you have the chance to discover your own true worth. You can set your own goals and achieve them, and none will tell you that you need set them aside and take your proper place. You can have children if you want, but you can still work at your craft without guilt. You have been given an opportunity, an opportunity for which many wish as they watch over their children and scrub their floors. Embrace that opportunity, for as you do, you live that dream for all of those who have not been given that chance."

Her eyes swept over the words again, re-reading them, though they left her feeling an emptiness in the pit of her stomach, an emptiness that had nothing to do with the meal she was missing. These words had held significance for her brother and so were significant to her. She noted the page on which they were printed in case she needed to read them again before shutting the book, the folded page left by her brother still in her hand.

Again she took a deep breath, wondering if she was ready for this - if she would ever be ready to read the words upon this page penned by her brother. With an audible sigh, she unfolded it, creasing it open so that she could see the writing within.

"Dearest Tamaca." She knew with those words that this was serious. Her brother never used her full name, had remarked that the only one who ever used either of their names in full was their mother, and only when what she had to say was very serious. Both had been known as "Tam" until his Impression, and then he had become "T'din." She closed her eyes for a moment, telling herself that she could get through this, that she could read this calmly, before turning her eyes back to the page.

Dearest Tamaca, I am so sorry that you didn't Impress during the last Hatching, and regret my teasing and telling you "What dragon would want you anyway?" I was trying to make light of your disappointment and to cheer you, though I imagine that your emotions ran quite deeply and those particular words didn't help at all. I still believe that your dragon waits for you, the perfect lifemate, and that some day you will know the same joy that I felt when Henth cracked his shell.
But until then - and even if you never do Impress - know that I'm proud of you and all that you've accomplished and will accomplish. The words on the page of this book are true, and the opportunity that you have accepted is not just on your own behalf, but for those who have never had this chance. Stick with it and study hard, and be the best at what you do so that someone somewhere may say, "If she can do it, why can't I?" Be an inspiration by being yourself.
And know that I'll always love my little sister and stand with her, in whatever goals she sets for herself.
Love, Tamdin She set aside the page, tears streaming down her cheeks. She missed him terribly, her brother, her best friend, but her tears were not for the gap that he had left in her life when he rose to meet Thread and was fatally scored - those tears she had shed turns before, though she still missed him. The tears of today were for herself and what she had allowed herself to become.

"He would be so disappointed."

She said the words aloud, knowing them to be true, admitting to herself her failure. She had set aside hope of Impression - though she still went through the motions of Standing at Hatchings. She had set aside her craft, though she still worked as a scribe, using the talent she had for lettering even though she no longer sang or penned poetry. She had set aside her emotions, not allowing herself to care about others, whether friends or family, or for herself.

"He would be so disappointed."

She repeated the words, nodding as she said them, tears still running freely.

"I have disappointed him.
I have disappointed my family.
I have disappointed myself."

Now she sat up, swiping her arm across her eyes to dry her tears. She looked down at the letter once more and read her brother's words aloud.

"I'll always love my little sister and stand with her, in whatever goals she sets for herself."

She had no goals at the moment, had set them all aside, telling herself that since she knew not what tomorrow would bring, there was no reason to plan ahead, no reason to hope.

She carefully folded the piece of paper and placed it within the book, searching out the page where it had been left for the past few turns. She started for the basket where the book had been placed a few days before but changed her mind, instead returning to the bed and sitting upon it.

"My first goal will be to read the book he gave me," she told herself, her words echoing in the still-empty dormitory room. "After that. . ." She paused, glancing around her thoughtfully. "After that, I'll face the Hatching, hoping to find my partner."

And if that didn't happen, if she faced disappointment on the Sands?

She shrugged, a slight smile on her lips. If that didn't happen, if she didn't Impress, she would make new plans, set a new goal.

She settled back against her pillow, opening the book to its first page and reading the words printed upon it.

Last updated on the September 13th 2007

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A Disappointment