Not Enough

Writers: Devin
Date Posted: 25th August 2009

Characters: N'vanik, Talryne
Description: Talryne finally finds out what's bothering N'vanik, and things don't go well.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 4, day 12 of Turn 5

N'vanik

Talryne

N'vanik turned the page, feeling a little bit drowsy. The dreary day had seemed to drain his energy. Still, it was a pleasant kind of drowsy, relaxing after a long day.

"Good book?" Talryne asked.

"Yeah." He turned another page.

"I have something better."

"Really?"

She took the book from him and tossed it (gently, she knew how much he liked his books) onto the couch. Then she crawled into his lap and put her hands on his shoulders. "Hmmm ..." N'vanik looked at her, down at the book, then back to her. "I think it's about the same."

She leaned in and kissed him, slow and lingering. Her hand slid up into his hair. N'vanik's hands went to her waist. Talryne leaned back. "How about now?"

"Better." He looked at her with darkened eyes. Despite the pain that was always in the back of his mind when he was with her, he still wanted her. Wanted her in a way he'd never wanted anyone else.

"That was just the prologue. It gets better from here." She traced her tongue along his ear.

"Want to try something new?" He'd been very, _very_ creative the past few months.

"Can we do an old classic instead?" He didn't miss the tiny hesitation in her voice.

He swallowed. He didn't know what to say. Talryne leaned back to look at him. "Don't worry about me. The healer said I was fine. I've been fine for sevendays." She put a hand on his cheek. "Please. I want you."

His body had no problem with that. But he couldn't stop thinking, what if it happened again? He didn't know if he could handle her getting rid of another baby. He didn't _want_ to know. "Don't you like all the things I come up with? You sure seemed to like them at the time."

Yes, she had. For a while she thought N'vanik was being overly cautious, but this had gone on too long. She'd started to worry that she'd done something wrong. "I did ... I do ..." She frowned. "What's wrong, N'vanik? You've been acting weird since ..." Something clicked. "Is it Jaela?"

"What? Jaela?" He stared at her, confused.

"She-- she died after ending a pregnancy. Is that what you're worried about? That if I need to go /between/ again, something will go wrong?"

He looked down. "Yeah." It was a lie, but it was close to the truth.

She cupped his face in her hands and tilted it up. "I'm taking the tea, every day now. I make sure to remember. And Jaela had problems before. It was risky for her. I'm perfectly healthy." Except for the huge hole where her dragon used to be.

"I know."

"Then make love to me. Please." She shifted in his lap.

It would be so easy to give in. But then tomorrow, and for sevendays after he would wonder. "Not tonight," he said quietly. "I ... I'm tired."

Now she knew something was really wrong. "There's something else bothering you."

He slid her off his lap and turned to get up. Talryne gripped his arm. "Please, N'vanik. Talk to me." **Did something make you stop loving me?** It was a terrifying thought.

"Why did you come with me to Dolphin Cove?"

She blinked at the change in subject. "You said I could."

"Did you _want_ to come here?"

"I--" She thought for a second. "I didn't want to leave Dragonsfall, but I had to follow you."

N'vanik met her eyes. "Why did you have to follow me?"

"Because I need you."

That was what he'd thought. "You need me," he repeated, flatly.

She'd given him the wrong answer. He was worried that she was still using him as a crutch, that she was with him because she couldn't stand to be alone. That was true, but it was a little less true all the time. She squeezed his arm. "I want you, N'vanik. I love you."

He couldn't stop the words from coming. Two months of holding back, of trying to pretend things were okay. All the pain came out of him in a rush. "Not enough to keep my kid!"

In the terrible silence that followed, Talryne looked as if she'd been slapped. Finally, she whispered, "You said it was okay."

"What was I _supposed_ to say? It was obvious you didn't want it. I didn't want you to keep it just because I said so. I wanted _you_ to want it." His tone was almost pleading, wanting her to understand.

Talryne got up, her legs shaking. She'd finally done it. She'd feared it for so long, and here it was. She'd finally done something to drive N'vanik away. "I ... I need to go." She stumbled toward the door.

"Tal, I didn't mean it like that ..." Oh, but he had. In the heat of the moment, he'd meant exactly what he'd said, and now he felt terrible about it.

"I need to go," she repeated, not stopping.

"Tal, I'm sorry!" She slammed the door. "Tal!" But she was gone.

Loseth, roused from sleep, rocked from side to side. }:What happened?:{

**I just said the stupidest sharding thing in my life.** N'vanik sank back on the couch. He considered going after her, but wondered if maybe letting her go was better. She didn't deserve someone who said things like that to her. If she was alone and upset, very upset, though ... a cold fear turned his stomach.

}:I'll make sure she doesn't hurt herself,:{ Loseth assured him.

**Thank you.** He sat in the too quiet weyr, Talryne's knitting laid over the chair where she'd left it. After several minutes, he got up and went toward the bedroom.

}:N'vanik, no!:{

**Oh, yes.** He dug far back in his closet and came out with a flask full of gin.

Last updated on the August 31st 2009

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Not Enough