Seeking Some Consolation

Writers: Chelle, Heather
Date Posted: 16th July 2014

Characters: S'avn, E'rae
Description: The two of them talk about his problems.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 7, day 13 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Bahji, K'lvin, L'pin

Laying on his back with his heels kicked up in the sand, E'rae was
enjoying the day. The water lapped nearby and the wind made it
bearable. He'd probably head into the water soon, but his mind was
replaying everything, going over it now that it was quiet. He
wondered-was he wrong? He hadn't thought he was, but everyone else
seemed to think he was. Why did no one else see it his way?

"E'rae." S'avn said as he tossed down a towel and threw himself down
onto the sand. His body glistened from the swim he had taken.

"Tell me something S'avn..." He shook his head and tried to put it into
words. "The mother of your child miscarried. You took care of her. But
she leaves you for a Wingleader. Wouldn't you be a little angry?"

S'avn contemplated that as he leaned back on his elbows to take in the
sun, "Hm, well, if we were exclusive, yeah, I would be pissed." The
young bluerider answered truthfully, "If we weren't, well then, I
guess I should have known better than to get attached."

"Before then no one had slept with anyone else." He sighed and looked
down at his hands. "So then she miscarried again and the second time she
didn't even tell you that your children were dead." It was seriously hard
for him
to talk about any of this with someone else and the young bluerider was not
the obvious choice. Right then, though, besides the mindhealer, he was all
E'rae
had.

"But if she were sleeping around, how would I know with certainty that
the kids were mine?" S'avn questioned this out loud, while puzzling
through it in his mind. His eyes however were studying the sparkling
glint of the sun across the water.

"The timing mostly according to her. I mean, it was never not trusting her
at
that point because she never lied to me. She just...she did something I
would
have never done. And then she didn't tell me at all about the babies. I
just...
I think I have a right to be angry. I was thrown aside. I didn't even get to
bury
the last ones because she never told me. She took them from me. I took care
of her but I guess she never really gave a wherry about me." That was
something
he needed to realize. This was _not_ his fault. This was her stupidity. If
she had
never done any of it, then he wouldn't be where he was now. "I just don't
understand
why they were both so angry at me when I was the one who was cut out and
betrayed and left in the cold. I had every right to be angry, not them."

S'avn was a weyrbred man through and through, and so he had only that
logic to fall back on, "Well, I mean, women get abortions all the time
at the Weyr. Just a quick trip /between/ does the trick. Most don't
really consider it to be killing a baby, I mean, they are not even
really people yet are they? That's sort of up to the mother, it's her
body. Maybe she decided she wasn't ready for them," he shrugged, "or
she just didn't want them. Are you angry that she decided to abort the
babies, or are you angry that she didn't consult you?"

"She wasn't weyrbred. She was holderbred. They were the only children she
ever had. If that had been her decision, though, I would have stood by it.
But
yes, I would have thought she would have told me. I mean, why even would
she have told me about them in the first place then if she knew she was
going
to do that?" He couldn't reason it. He just couldn't. "I was her first,
S'avn. So..
no she wasn't like the others." Or maybe she was. Maybe despite what she
said
she had figured out that E'rae really was just a bluerider. "Maybe...maybe
she
wanted bronze instead of blue. He'd never want a man, not like me. She said
she
wanted the babies. You could be right, though. Maybe she lied. Maybe she
never
wanted mine. Maybe that's why." He shook his head, turning morose and trying
not
to feel that anger and hurt and disappointment rise up again.

E'rae's words had struck a chord within S'avn, reflecting one of his
own fears about his position as a bluerider. "Do you really think
women care about the color of our dragons?" he asked genuinely.
Already he had been struggling with his attraction to men and what it
might be with his relationship to women.

"My father did. And most of the other holders I know. Women here in the Weyr
are sometimes different. After all, they have bluerider fathers and
brothers. They
don't see it the same. But the ones from outside. They care." He didn't want
the boy
to have illusions. He should know what he would have to deal with. "So when
we go
to the Holds and Halls, we have to be respectful. The only reason why they
treat us
well is because they know we char the Thread that would eat them. If we
didn't have
dragons, S'avn..." He left it hanging. "In the Holds, they beat men like us.
They kill them."

"No," S'avn shook his head, "I know _that_." Just because he was
weyrbred didn't mean he didn't know what Holders thought of male green
and blueriders, it was part of the reason he had a hard time enjoying
himself with men in mating flights. "I mean, do you really think women
in the _Weyr_ care what color dragon you ride. I mean, she knew you
were a bluerider from the beginning, right?"

He shrugged, he didn't really see the story E'rae was painting as very
different from a lot of things that went on in the Weyr. Monogamy was
rare, and women weren't bound by the same traditions that they had
been bound by at the Holds. If it were him, he would let it go and
move on, life was too short to dwell and be moody all the time.

"But she wasn't a Weyr woman. She was a holder who came to the Weyr.
It's different. And just because she knew I rode blue and she thought it was
allright to have sex doesn't mean she wanted my children. Then again, S'avn,
she was blind. So she may not have thought she had a choice." Indeed, at the
beginning Bahji was unsure anyone would even want her. "And...she wouldn't
have seen my knots or Leith's hide. She knew when I told her." Now he had to
try and remember when that was...It was..after, he was sure. "So no..I don't
think she knew at the beginning."

S'avn sighed a little and shook his head, eyes squinting against the
sun, "I don't know, man, but," he licked his lips, "I think you should
just let it go. Dwelling on it is not going to change anything right?
Just move forward. New Weyr, new life."

"I thought so...I came here to forget but then it continued to happen even
after
I left. And I couldn't fly." He sighed and closed his eyes. "I think...when
you lose
a child, you'll understand. It's like a wingmate...only a hundred
times worse. Not quite like your dragon but almost." He was trying. So hard.
And yet,
he just kept remembering. Because there had been no closure for him.

Truly S'avn did not understand, it wasn't as if the children had ever
been born so it wasn't really as though they had been taken away. You
couldn't miss something you never had, right? But then, S'avn had
never had a woman pregnant with his kid either. "I don't know, E'rae,
I don't think anything could even compare to losing a dragon. Your
dragon is half of your soul..." But unborn babies? It wasn't as if he
had carried them in his body or anything. **Now that's a weird
thought.** S'avn stood and flicked his towel over his shoulder, "I am
going to head in for a bath. I'll see you later?"

He nodded and made a slight noise before getting up to go into the water.
It was hard to know that most didn't understand him really. There had been
one moment with L'pin but even he had only recognized the loss of a child.
He hadn't experienced the rest. Sighing, he realized that only time would
take
away his anger and his grief.

Last updated on the July 28th 2014

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Seeking Some Consolation