Trust Must Be Earned

Writers: Ames, Heather
Date Posted: 5th July 2014

Characters: F'aen, D'naz
Description: D'naz decides its time to try and mend a broken relationship
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 7, day 17 of Turn 7
Notes: Note: Follows "Taking the Dive"

F'aen had finished his duties for the evening, which had included
ferrying some crafters back and forth to their craft hall, and now he
was settling in to his usual bar stool. Alcohol had become his most
trusted friend since his break up with D'naz.

He'd already decided that it was time to take chances and face F'aen
once again. Now, he was even more determined. D'naz was greatly
unsettled by the events of the day before. They had lost a good rider.
In his mind all he could think of was F'aen. What if it had been F'aen
and he hadn't told him how he truly felt? Could he have lived with
that the rest of his own life? Even if F'aen denied him, pushed him
away, which he had a right to, D'naz knew he _had_ to open his heart.
He had to take the risk.

He'd had Keluth bespeak Scarleth and that had led him to a place he
knew all too well. Interesting that they had not crossed paths here
before.

Pushing open the door, he allowed his eyes to adjust before scanning
the room for F'aen. **Please don't let him be with someone else,**
D'naz thought as his eyes finally found the familiar tall figure
across the room.

F'aen wasn't with anyone else, at the moment, but it was if the hairs
on the back of his neck stood up when the door to the bar opened. He
didn't know why, normally he never looked, but he found himself
glancing over his shoulder. D'naz. Standing there looking all
delicious as usual. F'aen turned back around to his drink, determined
to keep his eyes to himself as he looked down into his cup. Mostly he
had done a great job, he thought, of avoiding the bluerider, but there
weren't many places around Dolphin's Cove to get a drink so they were
bound to run into one another eventually.

His breath caught as their eyes met for just the briefest of moments.
Then F'aen turned away. D'naz felt as though he'd been brushed by a
set of cold fingers. The chill tried to settle in his heart. To tell
him that F'aen wasn't interested and would only break his heart.

**My heart would be broken anyway if I didn't try,** his resolved
seemed to push the coldness away. It was now or never. He would leave
here either with or without F'aen. He took the first step towards him.
The second seemed harder, but he pushed forward against the
self-doubt. Finally he was but a hands-breath away from the man who'd
somehow stolen his heart. He only hoped it wouldn't get crushed to
pieces in the next few candlemarks.

F'aen had been determined not to look at D'naz again, but when he felt
the man's presence beside him, he found himself looking up into those
familiar dark green eyes. He steeled himself, hedging up all of those
hurt feelings and broken pieces of his heart that he had been
harboring.

"Yes?"

D'naz heard the tone in the other man's voice and it seemed to pierce
right through his own heart. Taking a breath, he steadied himself
before asking. "Could I join you for a bit? I think we need to talk."

"I don't own the place." F'aen said simple, gesturing to the empty
barstool beside him. He had no idea what D'naz had to say to him,
maybe the bluerider was his coming to appease his conscience.

D'naz settled into the stool. He was far more anxious than he normally
would be. His entire body language resonated how uncomfortable he felt
in this moment, but he would keep pushing forward. It was now or
never.

"F'aen. First I owe you an apology. I'm a fool." He held up his hand
to let the greenrider know he _had_ to keep talking before he lost his
nerve. "You were the best thing that has happened in my life in Turns
and I walked away because I was afraid. All I could see where shadows
of how N'ril had been ripped from my life. I thought my heart would be
better kept guarded. Locked away where it couldn't be torn to pieces
if I lost you." Moisture started to gather behind D'naz's eyes. He
blinked to keep it at bay.

"What I didn't realize is that walking away from you was a fate worse
than death. My heart wanted you. It still does, F'aen. I _need_ you to
know that. Even if you'd rather I get up and walk away now. You _have_
to know how much I care about you. I can't let something happen to one
of us without at least telling you that much. I know I hurt you, and
if you can't forgive me I'll understand. I'll be shattered, but I'll
understand. But before you turn me away, I need you to know that
somewhere in all of this, I realized I can't _live_ my life happily
without you in it. Not anymore. I love you F'aen, and know that I
always will." He blinked hard a few times and swallowed past the lump
of emotion that had caught in his throat. There he'd said it. All of
it. His heart was bare in front of the man before him. Now it was up
to F'aen to either accept it or crush it. D'naz waited with baited
breath for his reaction.

Anger and resentment bubbled inside of F'aen. Had this sudden moment
of heartfelt honesty come a month ago he may have received it with
more warmth, but it really taken D'naz _that_ long to see that? Was
the bluerider just lonely or sincere? F'aen wasn't sure, there was a
broken line of trust between them that could not be fixed over night.

"I am not really sure how you expect me to react to that. You leave me
when I needed someone most, wait a month, and then come crawling back
as if _you_ are the one that is heartbroken? How can I trust you
D'naz? How can I believe anything you have to say?"

His gaze drooped. He knew that this would be the reaction and he'd
done all he could to prepare himself. He had a long road ahead of him
to prove himself to the greenrider, if he'd even give him that chance
again.

"I am so terribly sorry, F'aen. I was thinking of myself over you. I
thought it would be better for both of us, but I'm a fool." He closed
his eyes at the emotions within him. "I don't expect you to forgive
me, but after what happened with Z'an yesterday." D'naz stopped to
swallow past the lump in his throat, "I couldn't let another moment go
without telling you the truth. I care for you, but I was too afraid to
allow it to happen. I just need you to know. _None_ of what happened
was your fault. It was all mine. I love you, but understand that I've
ruined things between us." He looked up, his eyes glistening with
unshed tears. "Just know that my heart will never be the same again.
Part of it will always belong to you." He blinked to keep the tears
from falling. In his mind F'aen's words meant there was no hope, no
chances for them any longer.

F'aen looked away from D'naz and took another drink of his ale, "I am
not saying I don't want to see you any more. I am saying that I can't
just flip a switch and everything be okay again. It's going to take
time, D'naz, and we will just have to see where it goes. I don't know
if we can get back what we lost."

Well that was better than he had thought originally. "I'll take that
F'aen. That means there is some hope that we _can_ find a way to be
together, but if you can't forgive me long term, than I'll understand.
I screwed up. I can't take that back, but hopefully I can show you
that you _can_ trust me from now on." He wasn't sure how he would
prove that to the greenrider, but he'd do whatever it took.

"We'll see." F'aen said simply. He didn't know if trust would ever be
between him and D'naz again, not when F'aen would always be waiting
for D'naz to leave him again. Still, he did still love the bluerider,
it wasn't something that just went away in the blink of an eye, but
overtop of all that love there was a great deal of hurt that would
have to be chipped away a little at a time.

Last updated on the July 16th 2014

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Trust Must Be Earned